When Love Isn't Nice: Breaking Free from the Religion of Niceness

In our culture today, we've developed what can only be called a "religion of niceness." We've confused being loving with being nice, and this confusion is actually undermining our faith and relationships. The truth is, Jesus wasn't always nice - but He was always loving.

What Does It Mean to Be a Saint?

When we think of saints, we often picture patient, gentle people who smile at weakness and pat others on the back with kind words. We have expressions like "patient as a saint" that reinforce this image. But if you actually study the lives of the saints throughout history - Athanasius, Jerome, Francis, Luther, Teresa of Avila - you'll find they weren't particularly patient or nice.

The Example of St. Catherine of Siena

Consider St. Catherine of Siena, one of the most extraordinary women of the 14th century. She cared for lepers, wrote profound spiritual works, and was eventually made a doctor of the Roman Catholic Church. Yet when she met Pope Gregory XI in Avignon, she didn't offer humble deference. Instead, she told him bluntly that where heavenly virtues should flourish, she only smelled "the stench of hell's putrefaction."

When the Pope asked how she could know about corruption after such a short visit, she replied that the stench was so bad she could smell it 400 miles away in Siena. She was rude, uncivil, sarcastic - and saintly.

How Jesus Wasn't Always Nice

Jesus' Direct Commands

Jesus opened His ministry by walking up to fishermen and commanding them to "Follow me." Not asking - commanding. He didn't give them a choice or time to think it over. He told them to quit their jobs and families immediately.

Jesus' Stern Responses

After healing the leper in Mark 1, Jesus "sternly warned him" and "sent him away at once." The Greek word translated as "sternly warning" means to denounce harshly or scold. Jesus scolded this man and essentially threw him out.

Throughout the Gospels, we see Jesus:

 

• Telling a deranged man to "shut up"

• Throwing people out of rooms

• Getting into arguments with Peter

• Becoming exasperated with crowds and disciples

• Cursing a fig tree

• Driving people from the temple with a whip

 

Why We've Embraced the Religion of Niceness

How We Teach Children to Avoid Conflict

From early childhood, we teach our children that avoiding conflict is more important than doing what's right. When a child complains about a friend's selfishness, we say "Don't make a fuss, be nice" rather than addressing the actual problem.

The Social Rewards of Being Nice

We discover that people respond positively when we're nice and negatively when we're stern. Since it feels good to be liked, we become addicted to niceness. We start believing that anyone who makes us feel good by being nice is loving, while anyone who makes us feel bad by being stern doesn't like us.

How Niceness Destroys Relationships and Churches

The Problem with "Agreeing to Disagree"

Many churches and denominations have adopted the motto "let's agree to disagree and go about our life together." This approach prevents honest conversation about important issues. When you can't speak truth in love, you eventually end up shouting at each other, and churches divide.

Why Jesus Was Stern with the Healed Leper

Jesus told the healed leper not to tell anyone but to go show himself to the priest as required by Leviticus. The man disobeyed and spread the word everywhere. This prevented Jesus from entering towns openly and forced Him to stay in the countryside.

The man "bore witness about the wrong thing in the wrong way." If he had followed Jesus' instructions, the authorities would have seen that Jesus was no lawbreaker, and Jesus could have continued His ministry in the towns.

The Difference Between Kind and Nice

Love Does What's Right

As one father told his corrected child: "Honey, this is what love looks like." Love is not nice - love does what's right. When Jesus sternly speaks to people, when He rebukes Peter, when He castigates the Pharisees, it may not be nice, but it's loving.

Biblical Commands to Confront

Scripture actually commands us to confront wrongdoing:

 

• "If another member of the church sins against you, go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone" (Matthew 18:15)

• "If anyone is detected in a transgression, you who have received the spirit should restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness" (Galatians 6:1)

• "Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly; teach and admonish one another in all wisdom" (Colossians 3:16)

 

How to Confront Without Being a Jerk

Focus on Facts, Not Motives

When confronting someone, stick to observable facts rather than ascribing motives. Instead of saying "You're lazy" (judging their character), say "When you leave your socks on the floor, it bothers me" (stating a fact and your response).

Confront in a Spirit of Gentleness

The goal isn't to become hotheads but to restore people. Most circumstances do call for civility, courtesy, and patience. But sometimes prophetic, even angry voices are needed to remind us of sin and injustice.

When Anger Is Appropriate

Righteous Anger Shows We Care

A person who is always nice, always has decorum, always even-keeled, is likely someone who ultimately doesn't care about what God cares about. It's in the things we care about that we're capable of expressing anger.

When a parent sees their child dart into traffic, they don't calmly say "Oh, you didn't get hit, it's okay." They yell because they love the child and almost lost them. Anger at times is appropriate - indifference is inhuman.

God Is Not Always Nice

If God is revealed in Jesus Christ, and Jesus was sometimes angry, then God is sometimes angry too. God is described as jealous, not nice. If we're His disciples, we should be jealous for holiness and angry about foolishness.

Life Application

This week, examine your own relationships and ask yourself: Are there situations where you've chosen to be "nice" instead of loving? Are there conversations you've avoided because you didn't want to upset someone, even though speaking truth could help them?

Consider these questions:

 

• Is there someone in your life who is making destructive choices that you've been afraid to address directly?

• Have you been enabling harmful behavior by being "nice" instead of speaking truth?

• Are there areas in your own life where you need someone to love you enough to be less than nice?

• How can you learn to confront others "in a spirit of gentleness" while still being direct about what needs to change?

 

The challenge is to break free from the religion of niceness and embrace the kind of love that sometimes requires difficult conversations. True love cares more about someone's wellbeing than about maintaining comfort. This week, ask God to show you where He's calling you to love someone enough to risk being "not nice" in order to help them do what's right.